44 Reasons My Grandma is More Awesome Than Yours

1. She judges the guys I date, by their ability to fix things. So far no one has been good enough.
2. When I was younger, she wouldn't let me to Magic Mountain when it was raining. According to her, I could get electrocuted.
3. She has no problem ripping a phone out of the wall....twice.
4. She thinks I'm hilarious.
5. One time the cat got on the roof and was meowing. She decided she was going to help the cat down, so she got a kitchen chair, carried it outside, stood on it and held up her arms, so the cat would jump down into them. She is 5 feet tall. When the cat didn't willingly leap into her arms, she thought that holding up the chair to the roof, so the cat could jump on the chair was a better idea. This was in her 80's.
6. We have a video of her falling down a hill of snow, all the while holding her body stiff as can be, like an action figure. It was poetry in motion.
7. She is responsible for 1/4 of the profits made by the TUMS franchise. With all the calcium she's consumed, we're starting to think her bones are made of steel.
8.  She "almost sneezes" about 20 times before she actually sneezes.
9. She makes the same "almost sneeze" sound when entering cold water.
10. This year for Halloween, she decided to be a Luchador
11. Once there was a baby possum by the porch, when I told her this, she started hiding behind me, telling me to hurry up and open the door. When I lied and said it started to come onto the porch towards her, she started squealing and doing the maniac dance, where you run in place really fast.
12.  If I was ever on the phone and she heard me telling a story she deemed not proper for a young lady to tell, she would immediately ask who I was talking to. If it was a boy, I would get the disapproving head shake with the words "Don't say that to a boy", mouthed to me. 
13. At a friend's house one night, I was offered $10 to jump on a trampoline. I declined. The next day when I told her this story, she said, "Why didn't you? I would have done it for $10".
14. She says I'M the exhibitionist.
15. We had a mini Weber bbq in our backyard and instead of walking around it, she thought it would be easier to just jump over it. It wasn't. She fell. Thanks to her bones of steel, she was fine. This also happened in her 80's.
16. If you ever say in her presence, "I'm starving", she will reply with, "don't worry, you can live off the fat of the land".
17. If she's telling you a story, you either keep up or the story will abruptly end.
18. She thinks every waiter in America should know how to make a chocolate soda. When they don't, she is immediately annoyed.
19. She is legally blind and hasn't driven a car in 17 years, but if you need to get anywhere in the valley, she can still tell you exactly how to get there.
20. She backseat drives and will argue with you that you are going the wrong way, when she has no idea where you are.
21. She can still easily beat me in an arm wrestling match.
22. She calls my shoes "clodhoppers" and asks me what ski shop I bought them at.
23. She thinks to ban smoking is discrimination against smokers. She's never smoked a day in her life.
24. She has never stopped me from expressing myself....within reason.
25. She knows everything.
26. She's a story teller, just like me.
27. She will, without a doubt, ALWAYS have my back.
28. She told me she would support me no matter what religion I decided to be.
29. She does not care about your sexual orientation. In fact she wants me to get a gay man for a roommate because, "they're so neat & clean". I'm not sure how she knows.
30. She is easily persuaded.
31. She doesn't smile for pictures and when you tell her to smile, she does this ridiculous over exaggerated smile that makes her look crazy.
32. Every time we talk on the phone, I always say "I Love You" at the end of the call. Half the time, she hangs up on me, mid sentence.
33. She makes fun of me to other people, right in front of me. I find out later that behind my back she has nothing but nice things to say.
34. When I made my first pumpkin pie, I asked how she liked it. She said, "Well, it's not the best pie I've ever had". Later, feeling guilty, she kept asking for more, insisting that after she tasted it again, she liked it.
35. She loves owls.
36. When I was about 12 years old, she helped me make a pair of pants for my dog, just how I wanted to make them. With two holes, one for his tail and one for his wiener.
37. If I was a smart ass, or did something I wasn't supposed to do and immediately after I hurt myself, she wouldn't ask if I was ok, she would merely say, "see, that's God's way of punishing you".
38. If I ever received a spanking from her and the verdict came out that I was innocent, she wouldn't say "I'm sorry", she would say, "You probably deserved it for something I didn't catch you doing".
39. She uses phrases like:
• Heaven's to Betsy!
• Manischewitz!
• Judas Priest!
• Oh Hells Bells!
• Heaven's to Murgatroyd!
• Close your mouth, you're gonna catch a fly
• If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose
• Little pitchers have big ears
• It's not what you want, it's what you get, that makes you grow
• A watched pot never boils
• Beggars can't be choosers! (she likes to say this to me, if I tell her I'm not interested in a certain guy)
• Don't cut your nose off to spite your face
• Crepe Hanger
• It's six of one and half a dozen of the other
• Make hay while the sun shines
• Might as well, can't dance
• You were born confused (if you tell her you are confused)
• Piss or get off the pot
• A month of Sundays
• Better than a kick in the teeth!
• You've got rocks in your head
40. I would get in big trouble if I used the words, fart, barf, or puke. I had to say "shoot a duck" instead of "fart".
41. When I was 15, we were getting ready to go to the LA County Fair. We were waiting for my Mom to come to the house to go with us. I kept looking out the peep hole and saying, "she's here!" and she kept grabbing her purse and getting up to leave. After she did, I would say, "Just kidding!". Finally, after doing this to her about 5 times, she tells me the next time I lie to her about my Mom being there, she is going to wash my mouth out with soap. So naturally, I do it one more time. When she only gets annoyed, I say "I thought you were going to wash my mouth out with soap?!". She runs into the bathroom, grabs a bottle of "Seabreeze" pump soap that I had on my sink, chases me into my bedroom, where I have thrown myself on the bed, with my mouth covered. She can't get my hand away because she only has one free hand, so she pinches me in my side, hard. When she does, I yell out and she gets about 5 good pumps of soap into my mouth.
42. If I ever ate too much of one thing and I still wanted more, she would sing to me, "Fatty, fatty 2x4, can't get through the kitchen door".
43. She was telling me about a friend of hers who only likes to date black guys. She said she thought she knew why. Having zero clue where the conversation was about to go, I asked why? She said, "Well you've heard the rumor right? That they have unusually big sex organs". This conversation happened a year ago and it still makes me uncomfortable.
44. She's my best friend.