Friend is a Four Letter Word

In my life, I've met some amazing people who I will always remember and think about fondly. I've also met some people, who I will also remember, but for a completely different reason. That reason you might ask? Do you remember the scene in "Big Top Pee Wee" when you first see Large Marge? She looks like a normal human being, but then suddenly you realize that she's not. She ends up showing her true self, which, if you do remember, was a very ugly side of her. I will remember these people, like I have remembered Large Marge, for showing me a very ugly side of them. I'm not going to say I'm a perfect friend, I've been a shitty friend. The only thing I can do now is surround myself with friends who inspire me everyday and make me strive to be a better person. More importantly though, I need to learn from the other people who are no longer in my life and strive to be the exact opposite of them. Here are some things I've picked up along the way, that hopefully will help you recognize the Large Marge in your group of friends. If you don't have a Large Marge in your group of friends, then either you are very lucky or you are the Large Marge. Another way to tell if you are the Large Marge, you find nothing wrong with the below. These are all personal experiences, in no particular order. Without further a-do, here is my list of "Don't's", if you want to be considered a friend or, in some case's don't want to get your ass beat.

DON'T stop being some one's friend so you can mess around with/date/sleep with the dude that they've had a thing for. It not only proves to everyone that you are a skeezer, but really it shows that you are only out for yourself and if you have no problem doing that, what else would you have no problem doing? You deserve herpes.

DON'T take for granted the people in your life who are truly your friends and have your best interest in mind. You may think that because some idiot said "You hurt the ones you love the most", that you can convince someone that you're a big hairy butthole to them because, lucky for them, you love them the most. Guess what? One day they're going to get tired of your shit. When they start being a butthole back to you, please don't confuse it as love. They think you're an ass and deserve to be treated rightfully so.

DON'T claim to be such a great friend and lecture someone about how to be a good friend, then turn around and stab them in the back. A great friend wouldn't stab someone in the back. A good person wouldn't stab someone in the back. If you take away anything from what I'm telling you, take this: I have found in my life that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the exact opposite of what they proclaim to be. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, they got stabbed.

DON'T call your friend, talk about everything going on in your life, ask them about theirs and then when they start telling you, interrupt them "really quick", not ever go back to what they were saying and then have to get off the phone. It's rude. I don't need to tell you what's going on with me, it's probably not very interesting, but if you are going to go out of your way to ask, at least be courteous enough to listen. Especially since I just sat and listened to you and I never even asked. 

DON'T stop being someone's friend because they made a decision for their life that neither affects you or your friendship. If it does not change them from the person you wanted to be friends with, then it should not change how you feel about them as a friend. The only thing that changes is that you look like you didn't really want to be friends anymore but didn't have the balls to be honest about it and at the same time rain on someone's life parade. You just ruined a parade. I hope you're satisfied.

DON'T always make friends come to you. If your friend has come to you so many times that they could never keep track of an exact number and you can count on two hands how many times you've come to them, you need to start pulling some more of the friendship weight. If you can't come to them and they don't feel like coming over, don't get an attitude with them just because they don't do it this one time, don't forget how many times they have done it. Also, for the rare times you do go to them, don't complain about it. However you feel about the drive to their house, remember they have the same drive to yours, have done it way more times and never said shit. 

DON'T judge your friends. They have enemies for that. Just because they might do things differently than you, doesn't mean that you're better than them. Maybe they're better than you because they don't do what you do, like judge people! They have you to accept them for who they are, if you don't, then you need to be moved into the other category 

DON'T try and make your friends miserable because you are. If your friend is happy then you should be happy for them. What kind of person wants to ruin their friends happiness for no reason? I'll tell you, the same kind of person who would punch a kitten, that's who.


DON'T make snide remarks that you think someone is too oblivious to recognize. Not only did you make a snide remark but now they know you think they are too dumb to catch on. Don't act shocked and have the audacity to call them rude, when you run into them and they totally snub you. You raised the rude bar, not them. Enjoy your spaghetti.


DON'T say things that are so blatantly mean, that even if you use a tone like Mary Poppins, it will still be taken as mean. It's like slapping someone in the face and after they get angry, you tell them they misunderstood what you meant by that slap. You can say it wasn't malicious and that you meant no ill will, but guess what? You just slapped me in the fucking face, do you think I care about your intentions behind it?


DON'T disregard someone's feelings, just because they're not the same as yours. If they feel that way, it's real to them. Whether you would feel that way or not is irregardless. This isn't about you right now. On the same note, if someone tells you they are truly sorry and they did not mean to make you feel that way, then let it go. If you want to not listen and just keep holding onto to your truth, then it's your problem, not theirs. Don't force your insecurities onto others.


DON'T give your friend advice, telling them they are doing the right thing and after they do it, throw it back in their face like they were in the wrong. You're wrong.


DON'T tell someone to meet you somewhere and then show up 45 minutes late. When you call them and say "ok, I'm leaving" and they leave too and end up sitting in a parking lot for 45 minutes waiting on your ass, they're going to be annoyed. When you see that they're annoyed, don't get defensive and say you had other obligations that you couldn't just drop to come meet them. Let's get it straight, you wanted to meet there, you called and said you were leaving. If you weren't going to leave when you said you were, then you call and tell them or don't call and tell them you're leaving. Their time is just as valuable as yours and everyone has other obligations, yours are no exception. Don't use obligations as an excuse to have no manners. 


DON'T tell your friend that you refuse to hear about their problems anymore. Isn't that what friends are for? I don't care if it's the same problem over and over again. All you have to do is listen and you can't even do that? Some people may not be as perfect as you and maybe it takes them a little longer to fix things in their life. This is just a plain ol' shitty thing to say to someone.


DON'T get upset with someone because they are upset with you. If you know you were a dick and you know you upset them, being more of a dick doesn't make it better. What's that you say? You're calling them and they are not answering or returning your calls? Well no shit Sherlock, you were a dick to them, why would they want to talk to you! What's that you say? You were just calling to apologize because you know you were a dick? Did you make that clear in any of your messages? Oh, no, you didn't? Is this friend psychic that they would know that? They're not? Well then maybe you should have found another way to tell them you are sorry, instead of turning it on them that it's their fault they didn't answer your call to take your apology. In all the time you are taking to tell them that you have been trying to apologize, you could have just actually apologized. 


DON'T try and point your finger back at someone when you know you are the one in the wrong. If someone is pissed at you, don't do the whole "well what about you, you do this and that", unless the "this and that" is the reason you did what you did in the first place, don't bring it up! Own up to what you did and don't try to take the heat off of yourself by blaming others. It's cowardly and it solves nothing. 


DON'T be an idiot. You know the difference between wrong and right and you know how you are supposed to treat a person, especially someone you consider a friend. Don't act like you value a friendship and then do any of the above. You are going to send the wrong message. When you try to play dumb like you don't know what you are doing, it's insulting your own intelligence and mine. 


I hope this list helps you in future relationships with people. There’s always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around. These are examples of why people are starting to lose faith in man kind. Don't give up and think that because crappy things have happened to you, you can start acting crappy too. Lead by example.