Wakey, Wakey, Hand On Snakey

A couple of days ago, I got up for work and immediately felt the imminent sucky-ness of the day. I could try and make it positive, but why would I want to do something like that?

I made the decision to enjoy my bad mood, roll with it and see where it takes me. I was going to find the negative in everything, even if I had to grasp at straws to make it happen. If your parade crossed my path, I was gonna rain all over that bitch.

To add to my despise of the day, I had just gotten a hair cut the day before, done by yours truly; I think you all know where this is going. If I had thought I could cut my own hair before, I sure didn't think so after the mental tongue lashing I gave myself. Even I couldn't avoid the wrath of me.

I know what you're thinking right about now, "but surely Brett, you endured the storm! It couldn't have possibly gotten worse!". Oh, but it could and it did.

The icing on the cake you ask? I was running late for work and didn't have time to stop and get my morning Rockstar. I know, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy either.

Suddenly, there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon. My commute to work was going quicker than usual and I had just enough time to stop and get my well deserved and much needed Rockstar. I instinctively switched into stealth mode and summoned all the basic training skills that I never learned, because I was never in basic training.

"Johnson! CVS, one o'clock!"

"but sir, they might not have the 2 for $4 deal there!"

"There's no time, Johnson! The only place after this is on the other side of the street. With no signal, do you know what could happen trying to make a left hand turn on Sepulveda? The results could be detrimental. Catastrophic, even. We can't take our chances, Johnson...we have to go to CVS."

I turned into the CVS parking lot, knowing it was my only option. I jumped out of the car and walked in the store. I do a quick scan. 2 people in line, that's good. If there were any more, we would have had an issue. I walked over to the Rockstar cooler and...


Wait a second. Was that lady in line buying condoms? It's 9 in the morning!

I reached in the cooler and grabbed two cans, while pointing out to myself, they do not have the 2 for $4 deal. I knew it.


Well, good for her!

I walked to the register and took my place in line behind her. I'm a nosy person by nature, but before I judged this woman six ways till Sunday, I needed to verify that what I saw in her hand, was in fact condoms. I played it cool and pretended that I had to set the cans down, which made me move more to the right and gave me a visual of what was in her hand.


Condoms! I knew it!

I inspected the bottom fabric of my purse and then grabbed my drinks and stepped to the left, resuming my place directly behind her. I noticed her, not great, figure and her even less stylish clothes.

Hmm, she doesn't look like someone that would make another person not care if it's 9 in the morning, they need to hit that and they need to hit it now. Hold the phone. Remember where you are, Brett. She is a hooker! This is her preparing herself for a day at the "office"! Her day is literally going to consist of sucking. You should just be happy you're not a prostitute!

She looked to her right and I noticed the pick marks all over her face.


She's a tweaker. She is about to have sex with some gross, strange dude, so she can get money to buy drugs. Some gross, strange dude is about to have sex with a hooker!!! Ugh!

She turned around and looked right at me.


She heard me.

"Your hair looks really pretty."

I replaced the deer caught in the headlights look with a smile and said, "Aw thanks!".


That was really nice prostitute lady. I'm sorry I judged you for buying condoms at 9 in the morning. I'm sorry I judged you when I realized you were a hooker and I'm sorry I judged you when I realized you were also a drug addict. I shouldn't have judged your clothes or your figure either, prostitute lady. That was nice of you to say that to me and made me realize I was being a complete asshole. This is why I shouldn't judge people. I really to stop doing that!!

She stood at the register and became excited and gave thanks when the clerk gave her total; She had just enough money to pay for the condoms. They said a few more things to each other, which I didn't understand and then I heard her say, "I want to be responsible, it's a matter of public safety".


What in the world do you have, that the entire public has to be kept safe from??!!


Dammit, I did it again.